broken blessings

This is an exerpt from Corrie ten Boom's book "Tramp for the Lord," chapter 15:

Now the room was filled with flying bugs, moths, insects, and some kind of huge flying beetle which buzzed around the exposed light bulbs and then dropped to the floor or in people's laps. The young people were climbing over the backs of the benches, babies were asleep on the floor, and everybody was sweating profusely. I did not think I could stand much more.

Then the captain came to the front again and began to preach. A flying insect went in my ear and another was caught in my hair. I looked for some way to escape, but I was boxed in by the huge drums on either side. Finally the captain gave an invitation for people to come forward and be saved.

Surely no one is in a mood to do anything but go home, I thought to myself. I hope nobody comes to the front. I long to get out of here and go to bed...

A startling realization swept over me. I was selfish. I had hoped nobody would be saved because of my own weariness... Oh, what a terrible egoist I was...

The next morning, Sunday I spoke in a beautiful church which was filled with the most prominent people in Havana. As I entered the imposing building I was given a copy of the parish magazine which had been handed to all the other people. In it I read an introductory article about my ministry. It said, "Corrie ten Boom is a most popular world evangelist... She is tireless and completely selfless in her absolute dedication to the cause of the Gospel..."

Oh Lord, I thought, if only these people knew who the real Corrie ten Boom is, they would not have come out this morning to hear me.

"Tell them," the Lord answered immediately.

..."But Lord, if I tell them, they will reject me."

"Can I bless a lie?" the Lord asked me in my heart. "I can only bless the truth. You do want My blessing, don't you?"

Then it was time for me to speak... I told them what happened the evening before... "That," I said, "was Corrie ten Boom. What egotism! What selfishness! But the joy is that Corrie ten Boom knew what to do with her sins. When I confessed them to the Father, Jesus Christ washed them in his blood... Corrie ten Boom is lazy, selfish, and filled with ego. But Jesus in Corrie ten Boom is just the opposite."

Then I waited. Surely now that the congregation knew what kind of person I was, they would no longer want to hear me. Instead I sensed them all leaning forward, eager to hear what I might say. Instead of rejecting me, they accepted me...

Once again, Corrie nails it. Our messiness will always be ugly if we refuse to let God work in it. Our selfishness will always be something that burdens us if we never confess it and let God transform it. We can't truly love someone unless we are real with them, not really. Sure, you could be a caring listener and a great encourager. But how much more meaningful is the presence of someone who truly understands another's struggles because they have been there, too? How much greater a witness to the love of God and the transforming power of God is the selfish and egotisical Corrie ten Boom, than the Corrie ten Boom who never struggles with doubt or selfishness, whose heart always wants what God wants?

I'll take the first one.

Because I'm selfish. I'm egocentric. Much of the time I'd rather do what I want, rather than what I think God wants. (And other times I manage to kid myself into thinking that what I want is what God wants. That rarely turns out well.) I'm not perfect.

(Allow me one moment to expand briefly on what I just wrote: I'm not perfect. I am a perfectionst. I have to be perfect. I don't know how to handle making mistakes. I don't know how to handle failure. Not really. Now, I make mistakes all the time. I fail at things all the time. I'm not perfect. But I'm not sure how to handle that, yet. If you have any experience in dealing with overcoming perfection, I'd love to hear your thoughts.)

Okay, where were we? Oh that's right, me being messy. Yep, I'm a mess. I have issues. I have issues that I won't even admit to. That's how messed up I am. And it's hard going through it alone. It's more than hard, it's deflating. It's crushing. It's impossible. No one should try it. Slowly but surely I am learning to open up to people, and am letting other people help me carry my burdens.

A few months ago I was having breakfast with several of my youth director friends. One of them was going through a rough time in her congregation, dealing not only with a pastor transition but also with disgruntled parents. This wonderful youth director had people calling her out on mistakes they thought she was making, calling her out with ways they felt she was failing. So there she sat at our breakfast table, telling us that she wasn't perfect, that not everyone thought she was the greatest youth director, that she wasn't above reproach. I don't know when I will understand fully that I am not supposed to be perfect, but hearing my friend share her struggles helped me see that it's okay to be imperfect. It's okay when people think you suck. It's okay when you fail at something It's okay when you mess up and let somebody down. It's okay because everybody does it, and everybody needs grace. No one is beyond the need for grace.

I don't know how many times I will have to say this before I start to believe it myself. I believe it for other people. I think so highly of my friend who was honest about her struggles. I love my friends even though they have let me down sometimes. I hope that people can love me even though I miss the mark time after time, after time, after time. I hope that I can learn to love myself.

Corrie ten Boom wasn't perfect. She struggled. Big time. But she understood grace. She embraced grace. She embodied grace. If she was able to forgive and embrace the German guard who once dehumanized her at Ravensbruck (the all-women concentration camp she was assigned to in Germany), then surely I can forgive myself for not being perfect 100% of the time. Surely the people who matter in my life can forgive me and continue to love and live with me.

Corrie continues,

... Instead of a beautiful church with prominent members and a popular world evangelist, we were all sinners who knew that Jesus had died to lift us out of the vicious circle of ego into the light of His love. God had blessed the truth!

I hope that one day I can experience this blessing, the kind that comes when we are honest about ourselves not only with others, but with ourselves.