Confessions of a Control Freak

Hello. My name is Gloria, and I am a control freak.

This may surprise some of you. More likely, it surprises none of you and you’re sitting there thinking, “Yeah, we’ve all known for awhile.” Well, it surprised me. Control freaks rarely know they are control freaks until they unwittingly find themselves out of control, and this rarely happens because control freaks are pretty good about staying in control. It comes with the condition.

Youth ministry is an odd place for a control freak to be. My kind flocks here, to be sure. Planning meetings and events, trips and retreats, detail after detail to be looked after – it’s like Christmas all year long. But add in the unpredictable nature of human behavior and Murphy’s Law and it’s a control freak’s worst nightmare.

I was unaware of my problem for so long because I felt I handled the unexpected ups and downs of ministry quite well. I didn’t feel freakish about having a handle on everything and being in charge.

Then came Boston. By far the largest ministry endeavor I have ever embarked upon, the only way for that mission trip to be successful was to rely upon the help and initiative of others. Much like the path to recovery for any condition, I took baby steps. Even so, I was still burning the candle at both ends and exhausting myself in the process.

July 17th – the day of our departure – arrived and right away I knew something was wrong. I was exhausted and running on fumes. Even worse, I was sick. My head throbbed and my throat ached. By the time we stopped in Albany, NY on Saturday for the night I was a delirious mess. But with 48 people relying on me for guidance, information, and direction, what was I to do?

Well, for starters I was to realize that I was never in control of anything to begin with. God was in charge, and God would provide. Boy, did God provide. The adult leaders stepped up and took the reins. The pastor of our overnight host church called a church member early Sunday morning and arranged for me to be taken to an urgent-care clinic. It took a few days for me to feel like myself again, but little by little I began to come around. Not even counting my illness, on a mission trip there are a million details to be attended to throughout the week – never once was anything left undone. Never once was anyone’s need left unmet.

As the week progressed I began to see very clearly the reasons why each person was brought on this trip – adult leaders and youth alike. Everyone served a purpose. God was in control of this trip back in the fall when kids began to sign up, when adults came to me saying they wanted to be a part of it all. There were 49 of us, and not one of us an accident. Not one.

The theme of our mission week was “Free.” Yes, I have been a control freak, but that week I experienced liberation. Because I was physically incapable of doing everything myself I had to delegate and watch as other people met and fulfilled every need that arose. I watched as our adults and youth made genuine connections with each other. I watched as they made genuine connections with the people with whom we were sent to serve. I watched our young people and adults wrestle, bend, and grow in ways they hadn’t anticipated, as each one of us stepped outside our comfort zone.

And the more I let go, the more I felt at peace.

Yes, my name is Gloria and I am a control freak. But on this mission trip, I learned that I don’t have to be. Things actually work out better when I’m not.