Advent: prepare for the unexpected

Advent is my favorite time of year. When I was growing up, I loved it because I knew what it meant - Christmas was coming! This meant presents. It also meant Christmas cookies, Christmas trees, Christmas carols, and the chance for some Christmas snow. Kids always hope for snow, even the ones who live in California. Just as important were the traditions my mom and I had, and I looked forward to celebrating them just as much as anything else. Yes, Advent meant Christmas was approaching, and I knew exactly what to expect.

Every family has traditions and rituals, things that seem to make Christmas, Christmas. My family is no different. For starters, the Christmas tree goes up the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Each year it's the same routine. First thing to do is assemble the tree! Some people can't imagine Christmas without a real tree... well, for me Christmas isn't Christmas without that big fake tree! It's older than I am. (Talk about getting the most tree for your dollar.) Then come lights, garland, and the same ornaments year after year. Now that I'm grown and live on my own, there's something comforting about going home to visit over Christmas and seeing the same ornaments on the same tree. When life changes it can be hard to find anything stable to hold onto; my family Christmas tree helps keep me grounded.

After the tree is up, we decorate the rest of the house. My favorite decoration is an Advent calendar with a pocket for each day in December leading up to the 25th - and a mouse you would move from pocket to pocket. Growing up, each morning in December I would wake up and run to move the mouse, watching in excitement as it got closer and closer to the big day.

I loved that mouse calendar, but what I really loved were Sunday nights. Each Sunday in Advent my family would gather for a half hour of songs, verses, prayers, and candles. Each Sunday a different song, a different part of the Christmas story, but each year it was the same. To this day, my family still holds our Advent services on Sunday nights (or Mondays, or whenever we can find the time), and they call me on speakerphone so I can still be a part of it all, despite the distance between me and my old Advent wreath.

See? I knew what to expect when Advent rolled around. Come Christmas Eve we would go through the same rituals as the year before, and the same with Christmas Day. Baby Jesus would be born, presents would be opened, TNT would air "A Christmas Story" for 24 hours, and that would be that!

I wonder if we really know what we're getting into each time Advent rolls around. We think we know what's coming, but do we really know what Christmas means?

Christmas is when God came to earth in the form of a little baby boy, and radically changed the course of history forever. And not just history, but the lives of each and every person who existed and would ever exist. (Even if they would never hear of him.) Yeah, my traditions are nice, but are they really preparing me for what happens when God decides to make himself real in the world, in my life?

Jesus came to find the lost, to love the orphan, to feed the hungry, to give a voice to the silenced, to heal the sick, to set us free from whatever it is that grips and suffocates our soul. Are we ready for that? Are we ready to do that?

This Advent, how are you preparing for Jesus' coming? Because he is coming, and he's going to do all of those things. In fact, he's already been here, and he already is doing those things. Are you ready to be a part of it all?

Flaunt those flaws.

Someone once told me that people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

There's this passage in Acts about a man named Philip who went to Samaria to share the good news of Jesus Christ with the people there. The people there loved him, and listened to him, and we read that there was "great joy" in the city because of all he did.

Samaritans were a mixed race, a mix of Jews left behind after Israel's exile and of Gentiles forced to settle in the region. So, in the eyes of the Jews in that day, they were impure and viewed with a whole heck of a lot of contempt. (Even though their religion was also based on the Pentateuch!) They, too, were anticipating a Messiah. They, too, were waiting for a Savior.

My study Bible tells me that Philip was Greek. He wasn't fully accepted by the Jews in Jerusalem. In going to Samaria, Philip was going to a people he could relate to - he knew how it felt to be ostracized, or treated like "second class." They had something in common, the messenger and the recipients. They could identify with each other.

People are more apt to respond to someone with which they can relate. Put plainly, we like people who are like us. Well, maybe "like" is the wrong word. We understand people who are like us. We relate to people who are like us. We can be encouraged by people like us. It's hard to really listen to someone you can't relate to at all. Have you ever had a teacher that just didn't get you? How frustrating is it to have to listen and learn from someone who doesn't understand you at all? It's hard for me to want to learn anything from a person who knows nothing about what I'm going through or what I have been through. This might sound a little self-centered, but it's really not. I promise! It's just a fact: people respond to people they can identify with.

I've said it before - I'm not perfect. But in my imperfection, I always try to live better. I'm not saying that I should be an example for anyone, but who am I to hide my walk and the grace God gives me from others just because I... I what? Don't want anyone else to know how much God loves me and how great that is? God uses our struggles, our ups and downs, our vulnerabilities to give us grace. Who am I to hide God's grace? Why should anyone want to hide it? Flaunt it. I am proud of who I am, not because I am some great person. I'm not. I'm proud because God loves me anyway.

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Today marks the 19th day of non-stop Christmas music on 99.1 WMYX. I know. It's November 19th. This means that this music began on the first. What craziness! Now, I'll admit to the occassional indulgence; I have tuned in a few times and have enjoyed getting caught up in the holiday spirit. But each time I've done this, it wasn't long before the synthesized choruses and shallow refrains about wanting a hippo for Christmas left me feeling a little, well, sick to my stomach. Kind of like eating a bag of Lays potato chips. So deliciously satisfying... and then suddenly your tummy feels more empty than you did before you started eating that crap.

I heard that 99.1 took a vote to decide when they would begin "Christmas all the time." Apparently, the majority of people in Milwaukee and the greater surrounding area wanted this. November 1st until December 25th. Oh yeah, that's the other thing - Christmas music stops at midnight on the 25th. I guess enough is enough when it comes to Christmas. Once the big day is over, so is the celebration! It's as though they can't wait to stop playing all that music.

I don't blame them...

...but I do disagree. Why couldn't we ease into the Christmas music? Why is it an all-or-nothing thing? Couldn't we have started with a few songs a day, then an hour, and then go all out after Thanksgiving? And why must we end on the 25th? The twelve days of Christmas start on the 25th. Once the 25th comes, the time for celebration is just beginning! Ending Christmas on the 25th says a lot about our society. Once the presents are bought and the gifts given, it's all over. Time to move on to the next marketing ploy! Time for... what, Valentine's Day? (Just another gimmick used to get people to buy stuff for others. And themselves, if you consider all that candy!) It's sad.

I wouldn't complain so much if the music played was... I don't know. Less about consumerism than about family, or shepherds, or Jesus. 24/7 Christmas music on a Christian radio station is so much more tolerable, because there the focus is at least somewhat in tune with what Christmas is all about.

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

broken blessings

This is an exerpt from Corrie ten Boom's book "Tramp for the Lord," chapter 15:

Now the room was filled with flying bugs, moths, insects, and some kind of huge flying beetle which buzzed around the exposed light bulbs and then dropped to the floor or in people's laps. The young people were climbing over the backs of the benches, babies were asleep on the floor, and everybody was sweating profusely. I did not think I could stand much more.

Then the captain came to the front again and began to preach. A flying insect went in my ear and another was caught in my hair. I looked for some way to escape, but I was boxed in by the huge drums on either side. Finally the captain gave an invitation for people to come forward and be saved.

Surely no one is in a mood to do anything but go home, I thought to myself. I hope nobody comes to the front. I long to get out of here and go to bed...

A startling realization swept over me. I was selfish. I had hoped nobody would be saved because of my own weariness... Oh, what a terrible egoist I was...

The next morning, Sunday I spoke in a beautiful church which was filled with the most prominent people in Havana. As I entered the imposing building I was given a copy of the parish magazine which had been handed to all the other people. In it I read an introductory article about my ministry. It said, "Corrie ten Boom is a most popular world evangelist... She is tireless and completely selfless in her absolute dedication to the cause of the Gospel..."

Oh Lord, I thought, if only these people knew who the real Corrie ten Boom is, they would not have come out this morning to hear me.

"Tell them," the Lord answered immediately.

..."But Lord, if I tell them, they will reject me."

"Can I bless a lie?" the Lord asked me in my heart. "I can only bless the truth. You do want My blessing, don't you?"

Then it was time for me to speak... I told them what happened the evening before... "That," I said, "was Corrie ten Boom. What egotism! What selfishness! But the joy is that Corrie ten Boom knew what to do with her sins. When I confessed them to the Father, Jesus Christ washed them in his blood... Corrie ten Boom is lazy, selfish, and filled with ego. But Jesus in Corrie ten Boom is just the opposite."

Then I waited. Surely now that the congregation knew what kind of person I was, they would no longer want to hear me. Instead I sensed them all leaning forward, eager to hear what I might say. Instead of rejecting me, they accepted me...

Once again, Corrie nails it. Our messiness will always be ugly if we refuse to let God work in it. Our selfishness will always be something that burdens us if we never confess it and let God transform it. We can't truly love someone unless we are real with them, not really. Sure, you could be a caring listener and a great encourager. But how much more meaningful is the presence of someone who truly understands another's struggles because they have been there, too? How much greater a witness to the love of God and the transforming power of God is the selfish and egotisical Corrie ten Boom, than the Corrie ten Boom who never struggles with doubt or selfishness, whose heart always wants what God wants?

I'll take the first one.

Because I'm selfish. I'm egocentric. Much of the time I'd rather do what I want, rather than what I think God wants. (And other times I manage to kid myself into thinking that what I want is what God wants. That rarely turns out well.) I'm not perfect.

(Allow me one moment to expand briefly on what I just wrote: I'm not perfect. I am a perfectionst. I have to be perfect. I don't know how to handle making mistakes. I don't know how to handle failure. Not really. Now, I make mistakes all the time. I fail at things all the time. I'm not perfect. But I'm not sure how to handle that, yet. If you have any experience in dealing with overcoming perfection, I'd love to hear your thoughts.)

Okay, where were we? Oh that's right, me being messy. Yep, I'm a mess. I have issues. I have issues that I won't even admit to. That's how messed up I am. And it's hard going through it alone. It's more than hard, it's deflating. It's crushing. It's impossible. No one should try it. Slowly but surely I am learning to open up to people, and am letting other people help me carry my burdens.

A few months ago I was having breakfast with several of my youth director friends. One of them was going through a rough time in her congregation, dealing not only with a pastor transition but also with disgruntled parents. This wonderful youth director had people calling her out on mistakes they thought she was making, calling her out with ways they felt she was failing. So there she sat at our breakfast table, telling us that she wasn't perfect, that not everyone thought she was the greatest youth director, that she wasn't above reproach. I don't know when I will understand fully that I am not supposed to be perfect, but hearing my friend share her struggles helped me see that it's okay to be imperfect. It's okay when people think you suck. It's okay when you fail at something It's okay when you mess up and let somebody down. It's okay because everybody does it, and everybody needs grace. No one is beyond the need for grace.

I don't know how many times I will have to say this before I start to believe it myself. I believe it for other people. I think so highly of my friend who was honest about her struggles. I love my friends even though they have let me down sometimes. I hope that people can love me even though I miss the mark time after time, after time, after time. I hope that I can learn to love myself.

Corrie ten Boom wasn't perfect. She struggled. Big time. But she understood grace. She embraced grace. She embodied grace. If she was able to forgive and embrace the German guard who once dehumanized her at Ravensbruck (the all-women concentration camp she was assigned to in Germany), then surely I can forgive myself for not being perfect 100% of the time. Surely the people who matter in my life can forgive me and continue to love and live with me.

Corrie continues,

... Instead of a beautiful church with prominent members and a popular world evangelist, we were all sinners who knew that Jesus had died to lift us out of the vicious circle of ego into the light of His love. God had blessed the truth!

I hope that one day I can experience this blessing, the kind that comes when we are honest about ourselves not only with others, but with ourselves.

God-to-gut connections

Obedience is easy when you are being guided by a God who never makes mistakes.
--Corrie ten Boom, "Tramp for the Lord"

Every so often I go through a discernment process regarding what I'm doing in life. Maybe it's because I'm not used to staying in one place for very long, or because I'm so used to always working towards something (a high school diploma, a college degree, certification in ministry, etc). Aside from that 7-year stint in elementary school, I have never been in any one place for longer than four years. I'm currently in my fourth year of full-time ministry. Am I a senior? Do I have senioritis?

There are times when I get stressed out about my life and where it's going. Usually, it's because I've let doubts creep into my mind, or have wondered if the grass really is greener on the other side, or am operating under the assumption that I am the one who is in control and must take care of everything. Times like these happen when I take my life in my own hands and decide to do my own thing. This rarely works out well.

For every big decision I have made in my life, I have had complete and total peace. There's a feeling I get when I know what to do. I know. I know it in my gut. In my heart there is peace. In my mind there is serenity. When I chose St. Norbert College, I knew. I explored a few options, but I knew SNC was where I would be. When I was looking for a job after graduation and Suzi mentioned that her church was hiring, I knew. When I needed a roommate before Shannon moved in, and another one when Shannon moved out, I knew I would find one.

It seems like my God-to-gut connection has been a little fuzzy as of late. More likely, my mind just hasn't beeing paying attention to what my gut has been saying. I hate wrestling with decisions. I don't like not knowing. I forget sometimes that it's not me that has to know anything.

Obedience is easy when we trust in the God who never makes mistakes. It really is. Of course, it's easy in the sense that there's a certain freedom that comes with trusting in God to lead, open doors, and provide. It's not always easy to let go of our own desires, fears, and that pesky need to keep one hand on the controls . . . just in case. But such freedom comes with doing so that I can't imagine living any other way.

In Tramp for the Lord, ten Boom writes: "Always when I say I am not able, I get the same answer from the Lord. He says, 'I know you are not able. I have known it already for a long time. I am glad you now know it for yourself, for now you can let me do it.'"

What more can I say? God can. I can't. But I can let God.

the messy backlash

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. --from a speech given by Nelson Mandela (originally written by Marianne Williamson)

Nelson Mandela wasn't operating under any false pretenses when he chose to speak those words. The people he is talking about - you, me, everyone - are flawed and imperfect, yet still have something of worth to offer. Even though we are full of mistakes, regrets, bad decisions and struggles, the image of God is still inside of us, waiting to shine through. Through our mistakes. Through our bad decisions. Through our struggles. In the midst of all of it, not apart from it. Not after it. In it. We will never be perfect. We will never be the person the world thinks we should be. We already are exactly who God wants us to be.

I'm not saying that God doesn't want us to continually strive to be a better friend, a better spouse, a better whatever. Or to overcome addiction, or to repent for past wrongs. The point is that God sees in us RIGHT NOW, EXACTLY HOW WE ARE, exactly the person we are meant to be in order to experience and share God's love. God works in us right where we are, wherever we are.

I'm sensing a backlash from people who were raised in churches that demanded perfection, or else. So many people have massive guilt issues because they have lived and experienced life, but their experience of life (whether good or bad) doesn't jive with what their faith leaders have taught them life is supposed to be like. Because churches have screwed their people up so badly, their people are burdened with shame for things they shouldn't have to feel ashamed about. Or guilty about. Did Jesus not come to set them free? I don't think there were any conditions in that deal.

There has been an influx of books in the Christian market about what Mike Yaconelli called "messy" spirituality. It seems like every month there's a new book out there by someone who has realized that they are not okay . . . but that's okay! I hope more people come to realize this. No one is okay. That's okay. Shrinking back or denying the good that's in you will never help you feel the love of God, and more importantly it won't help you share it. Being unashamedly imperfect gives other people the courage and freedom to embrace their own messiness and begin experiencing a kind of love from God that they never have before.

Messy bits and all (because it's all messy), I am just the person God wants to use to bring light into the world. Sound full of myself? I'm not. I'm full of God. (Sound cheesy? Yeah . . . I'll admit to that.) I'm filled with the faith that God works miracles and shines light through even the most impossible of situations. I'm not perfect. I'm a mess. I can be selfish. I can be quick to judge. I can be a snob. I can be completely insensitive. But that's not all that I am, because I work every day to be the complete opposite of those things, and only manage to do so with God's help. That's the point, though. We're messy, but that how God likes us.

That's how God loves us.

why are we looking for Kansas?

Welcome. You might be wondering why I am trying to find Kansas. It's right on the map, after all, and only about a twelve hour drive away. Piece of cake. Well, I'm not actually trying to find Kansas the state. Not the state that entered the Union on January 29, 1861, anyway. I'm finding Kansas, the state of being home. Dorothy spent all of her time in technicolor trying to find her way back Kansas. She's not the only one.

We're all searching for something. It might look like we're all searching for something different, but we're all actually searching for the same thing. Home. We're searching for fulfillment. Happiness. Contentment. Peace. Serenity. Clarity. Connection. A way of being in the world, yet something that we can't fully reach while we're in the world.

That's why we're all in the process of finding Kansas. I am, at least. And this is how I am going about it.

those aren't water chestnuts... (Nov 20, 2006)

Ever put something in your mouth thinking it's yummy food only to realize too late that it is most certainly not? Putting aside all the inappropriate jokes that could follow right about now at my expense (you can say them to yourself), I seem to do this often.

Last night I decided to be brave and try this teriyaki stir-fry that you get in the frozen food section - can't be too terrible, right? I like teriyaki, after all. So I put in in the skillet and see that there are tons of water chestnuts in it. I LOVE water chestnuts!!! Mmm. So I decide to try one of these frozen wonders. I start chewing and notice that the water chestnuts are super-saturated with teriyaki sauce, and it created an awfully weird sensation in my mouth. Not entirely unpleasant, but definitely too much teriyaki. Blech. So I go back to stir the stir-fry and see what look like water chestnuts that haven't been doused with teriyaki sauce. Hmm... If those are water chestnuts, what the crap did I just eat? I suddenly realize that I didn't eat a water chestnut at all - I ate a chunk of frozen teriyaki sauce.

A couple of years ago I was making fudge and using this plastic stiring spoon to stir the melting chocolate, fluff and sugar together. So towards the end of the process, when I can finally lick the spoon, I'm eating all the melted fudge mixture off of it, and some of it has kind of - what's the term - solidified? And I'm thinking it's the sugar, you know? So I'm trying like heck to bite this sugar concoction off of the spoon, and finally do. As I'm trying to chew it, I realize that something isn't quite right. So I look at the spoon and sure enough, I have actually just bitten off the top half of the spoon and am about to swallow it.

So kids, the moral of the story is to always think twice about what you put in your mouth, because as history has shown, if you're me there's a good chance it won't be pleasant. (There, let the jokes resume.)

Longing for home (October 3, 2006)

Do you ever have one of those days where you want to go home? I mean, really go home? Back to a time and place that doesn't exist anymore? To people who knew me when I was growing up, to a family who loved me, to a neighborhood that allowed me to play and run wild, to a dog that never calms down, to a best friend's house that always left the back door open...

I think I am having one of those days. Weeks, maybe. I'm not sure why, exactly. I think about my life right now and it's nothing like I ever thought it would be. Not in a bad way, not at all. I think that for the most part I am where I am supposed to be. Here and there I make stupid decisions that make life a little harder, sometimes a lot harder, but still pretty nice compared to some. But sometimes I'm missing... something.

Something like the past. There are so many moments, memories that will never happen again, that only exist vicariously in the minds and hearts of the people who hold them. Sometimes I miss them so much that it hurts, and I can't breathe for the cries that threaten to escape.

Warm summer evenings spent with my dad, best friend and her family in their backyard, listening to my dad sing and play songs on his guitar, not a clue in the world that we were experience a little piece of heaven that night.

Driving around the town on Christmas Eve with my family to look at Christmas lights, listening to the same cassette tape of carols every year, excited to go home and enjoy hot cocoa, Manheim Steamroller, and one present before bed.

And there are so many people from my past that are so much a part of who I am that I feel as though I'm slowly losing myself the farther apart we grow. I'm horrible at keeping in touch. It doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I've moved on. Well, we all have moved on in one way or another. But these memories, these relationships, they are still very much a part of me. The farther I get from my past, the more it becomes central to who I am and who I need to be. Does that make any sense?

The older you get, the more you want people in your life who "knew you when." Because they were with you then. Those people, they helped make you who you are. Those memories, they are your life. Sometimes I feel so far away from where I've been. I wish there was a way to bring the past and present together, a way to connect who I was with who I am and who I am becoming. I know there must be. I'm probably doing it and just don't realize it at the moment. It's late, after all, and I'm sleep-deprived.

It's not like I'm living in isolation, far away from people I love and places I belong. I am where I belong. I love where I am. I can't put into words how much the people I have met in the last few years mean to me, how much of an impact they have had and continue to have in my life. Given the chance, there isn't anywhere else I would go.

But I am still so far from home.

prejudice and the pope (Sept 16, 2006)

Not gonna lie, guys - I don't think quoting someone who said Mohammed brought nothing but violence and evil into the world was the best thing for the Pope to do... Especially when the man quoted lived in the 1300s and wasn't too far removed from those things, what were they called? Oh yes, the Crusades. It's awfully high and mighty for Christians to accuse other religions of bringing violence into the world.

The pope, more than anyone, should understand how genuine faith can go wrong - and how it doesn't mean that the entire religion itself isn't bad. If you were to look at the history of Christianity, sometimes you'd have to look pretty hard between the bloodstains to see anything good and Christ-like at all. Should we then say that Jesus brought nothing but division and violence into the world? Of course not.

I have tried to find a transcript of the Pope's entire speech so I could understand the context surrounding the statement. I've read the apology he and the Vatican have issued, and there is a lot of "The Catholic Church holds Islam in high regard..." talk, which is good and they should... but I'd be more interested in hearing, "Hey we've all got prejudices that come out unexpectedly when our emotions are high, prejudices that we work hard to eliminate but that often linger just deep enough to remind us that we're human and thus imperfect. This incident was an example of human imperfection and our desperate need for grace and understanding."

Because don't we all have biases and prejudices that we feel but rarely - if ever - let surface? For example, when you heard of the recent attempt in August to blow up dozens of trans-Atlantic airplanes, did you not feel a little pang of anger towards Muslims, even though you know most people who are Muslim had absolutely nothing to do with it? It was just a moment, and you knew it was absurd, but you felt it nonetheless. I'm just saying it's there. It's not good, but it's true. I wish these feelings didn't exist... but I wish that instead of ignoring the elephant in the room, people would admit that it's there and that they are doing their best to overcome it.

I know that people don't want to see weakness. People don't want leaders with problems. People want leaders who are super-human, able to rise above all the downfalls we "normal" ones experience, and someone save the world. No such person exists, however... yet we still seem to want it.

I don't know though... a lot of us seem to react pretty strongly in a good way when we see someone unexpectedly ooze humanity against their better judgment. Like Anderson Cooper breaking down on camera after Katrina hit and finally asking leaders the questions that needed to be asked and telling them what needed to be said - "Where is the aid? It pisses us off to hear leaders patting each other's backs when people have been lying dead in the streets for days and living like animals without water." (Or something along those lines.)

We need people to be honest and real. Sometimes when we're unexpectedly real, we say dumb things. Hurtful things. Things that shouldn't have been said. It happens. But when, after these things happen, we admit our mistakes, acknowledge our skeleton in the closet that just managed to poke it's head out, it's good. No one is perfect, but everyone is human. We can relate to that. I respect honest mistakes and honest apologies a heck of a lot more than I respect, "no, you didn't understand what I said, I didn't do anything wrong."

Church and state (Sept 6, 2006)

Okay. Let's talk about church and state, shall we? As a Christian, I am called to live out my faith 24/7 in everything I do. Live a Christ-like life, you know? Obviously, my faith in Christ influences everything I do. It even influences my voting and my political stances. This isn't so big a problem for the average little voter like myself. Our beliefs and opinions make us vote the way we do and support the causes we support.

It's a problem for the people we vote into office, though. This drives me up the wall. I mean, we elect people based on our beliefs and values (and fears), and they then go on to represent our beliefs, values and fears to the people who make decisions and stuff. Unfortunately, if half the population is conservative and elects a conservative representative, then the other half of the population is totally unrepresented.

I'm kind of thinking as I type right now, so bear with me.

I'm sick of representatives, congress-people, and senators furthering their own narrow-minded agendas because of their personal beliefs, values, fears, and desires for success and world domination. Okay, maybe not world domination so much, but success for sure. Like this Harris chick from... Florida is it? Talking about how the church can't be separated from the state, to separate church and state is sinful, and to vote for a non-Christian is even more sinful.

People forget that we live in a nation that is as diverse as it is wide. A nation based on freedom and liberty to live they way you want to - as long as you're not impinging on anyone else's way of life. (With that in mind, it's funny how we "employ" poverty-stricken third world people for pennies a day so we Americans can live a better life and pay less for it.) As long as we're not impinging upon an American's way of life, I should say, and a white American at that. Because if you're not an American and if you're not white, chances are you're going to get screwed over eventually.

People can't push agendas that totally run over other people just because of their own religious beliefs. Those little pilgrims left England for that very reason - they wanted religious freedom. (Let's just leave it at that for now.)

So why do our politicians think it's okay to push legislation that takes away a person's basic right to live?

Your faith should influence your life - but make sure it's GOOD faith. Make sure it's not discriminating faith. Make sure it's a faith based on unconditional love and that you're also taking into account the basic principles the country you live in was founded upon. Then cast your vote and write your bills.

hurricanes, trampolines, and crocodile hunters (Sept 5, 2006)

Something pretty sad happened the other day... We lost a pretty great person and advocate for, well, nature I guess. To a sting-ray sting, no less! When my friend Paul first yelled out to his wife Jamie and I that the Crocodile Hunter had been killed by a sting-ray I couldn't believe it. What a crazy way to go! It's the crocodile hunter, for crying out loud.

It's like when the monk Thomas Merton died - he lived in dangerous third-world countries working peacefully for justice by ministering to the people around him, and faced all kinds of dangerous & life threatening situations, wrote amazing prayers and reflections about God... and was killed when he was taking a bath and his fan fell into the tub. Goodness.

This guy said it was like Jacques Cousteau drowning. I mean, just crazy, right?

Well then we saw the sting-ray barb that pierced Steve Erwin's heart and that thing was like 6 inches long. It looked pretty stinkin' dangerous to me! And I thought that even though silly, inconsequential things like fans and sting-rays might not seem life-threatening, you never know when something totally ridiculous is going to happen to you and end your happy little life!

So enjoy it while you can, before you die in a freak La-Z-Boy accident or something!

On to hurricanes. I find it interesting how every time there's a tropical depression off the west coast of Africa it's all over the news in America now. I'm all for preparing ourselves for hurricanes, obviously. I just think it's funny how people react to potential dangers now. It's good to be prepared. It really is. And I'm glad we are learning how to notice warning signs and stuff so as to avoid more disasters. I just... I don't know. I think some people overreact to some things and it takes the magic out of living. I guess that comes with the territory when you live in a world where you have to have a fence around your trampoline.

I grew up in a time when there were no fences around trampolines and you were totally in danger of flying completely off and onto the ground - and did on several occasions. I grew up in a time when there weren't a million stupid weather watch warnings whenever the sky clouded over and started to rumble gently. I grew up in a time when kids played sports for fun, and not because their parents think so low of them that they're told being a star soccer player is their only way to succeed in life. But some things have been around forever. Fear-based campaigns, you know?

There have always been terrorists threatening the American right to spend millions of dollars on products made in third-world sweat-shops, a man who wants to date another man has always been a huge threat to the sanctity of a totally unrelated man's relationship with his wife, and the fact that you can get an abortion legally has always been the main and primary reason why women get abortions in the first place. *sigh*If you scare people enough, they'll do what you want them to.

I'm not sure I like living in a society where the leaders recite that more than they pray.

God boxes (May 8, 2006)

I'm reading a book by Donald Miller (author of "Blue Like Jazz") called "Through Painted Deserts" - all about this very long trip he took across country. It's kind of a "you have to leave home to find home" kind of thing. Pretty good so far. In the first chapter he's talking about how he's having this crisis of faith, really for the first time in his life. He's tired of asking "how" questions, and tired of the answers he is being given. Even the "why" questions aren't being answered satisfactorily, in his opinion, and he begins to feel a desperate need for something BIGGER.

He looks up at night and sees the stars, he looks around during the day and sees the world - all of it existing as though it - the cosmos - knows something we, as humans, do not... as though it is infinate and our human matters are not. And suddenly the idea of a God that has given us pat answers and step-by-step "how to..." guides isn't doing it anymore. In fact, that kind of God CAN'T do it anymore. God has to be bigger than that, bigger than our mundane concerns, bigger than our finite needs, wants and worries... and "bigger than our religious ideas."

BIGGER THAN OUR RELIGIOUS IDEAS.

We have been putting God into a box for as long we have been in existence. We have been limiting God to fit into the religious ieas we have created. This is how we control God. Because we HAVE to control God. If we don't control God, it means we don't control anything. We can't have that. By formulating theologies, doctrines, and dogmas we have created "God." A kind of God that we want to believe it, or can believe in. We have created a God that isn't bigger than our religious ideas, a God that does what we want.

Don't believe me? It's there. You can see it every time someone condemns a gay couple because they're living outside of "God's law." You can see it every time violence is justified as being "God's will." You can see it every time someone is denied communion at the altar.Even when something bad happens and we say "God is in control," or admit that we don't understand but we know that God does, we still aren't admitting that, not really. Because, as theists, we believe in a certain kind of God and in a certain kind of hope, in a certain kind of redemption. Even though things might be crappy now, we know goodness with prevail later. We know this because the God we believe in has told us so. Really, we know this because we have created our God this way, and have created this God to tell us such things.

When we say "let go and let God," we're not saying anything of real consequence, are we? We're not letting God do anything. We're letting the God we have created do something. We haven't given up control of anything. We've still got it.

That's the problem: control. We humans need control. We need it so badly that - either consciously or subconsciously - we have tried our hardest throughout history to harness the power of God and to encompass an understanding of what is ultimately infinitely beyond anything we could ever hope to understand, much less control.

God exists. God is with us - and I say this knowing full well it is a religious idea I very much want to believe (want to be true... need to be true). But too often in the world God is used as a pawn, as a trump card, as a tool in our plights to further our own agendas. When will we realize that God is not here to serve us - but rather we are here to serve God? When will we realize that God isn't something we can control?

The Christian church has been guilty of manipulating and using God to further its own agenda for centuries. We need to stop this. It's terrifying to admit that there is a higher power out there who may or may not behave how we want this Being to behave, who may or may not have the same values we do.

Luckily, there is Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus was God on earth - showing and us how we are supposed to live, showing us what life is all about. And I have my ideas as to what that means, but you know what, I am going to try really hard not to put God in a box anymore. I need God to be bigger than I am. I need this more than I need control. Because if God really is only as big as we make God out to be, we - as humans - really are in control...and that's scary.

It's good to have beliefs. It's good to have beliefs about the nature and character of God. I would even go so far as to say it's necessary. But it's also necessary to recognize our finite nature, and that these beliefs aren't the whole picture. In fact we will never have the whole picture, not while we're alive and human, because we can't. We're not able to. We can see glimpses and we can do our best to understand those glimpses and live by those understandings, but we must always be aware of the fact that God is GOD and we are not. God is bigger than we are. God is bigger than the understandings we have. God is bigger than the boxes we have made.

I need God to be bigger than the box I have made.

Missing Village (April 26, 2006)

So I was checking out the Crossways website today (www.crosswayscamps.org for all the curious people out there)... I miss camp. I really miss camp. It feels as though something is missing from the innermost part of my soul - at it's camp. I was looking at all the pictures from Village (Imago Dei Village for all the curious people out there). I saw one of a canoe trip and it struck me, as it often does when I look at old pictures from camp, that I'll never be there again, not really. Not like I used to be. It's been almost 2 years since I worked at camp. You'd think I'd be over this by now.

It's a fact of life that things end. I know this. I guess I'm just feeling it today. I guess sometimes, even though we grieve and move on with life, we still feel the ache and the emptiness that was left behind.

I don't think that anything you ever love is ever replaced. When something you love stops being a part of your life there is a void where it used to be. You still love it, but it's not a part of your life in the same way anymore, and there's a spot now in your heart that nothing else will ever fill. It's forever taken.

I will always miss my summers at Village. I will miss those cool, misty mornings spent lifeguarding a polar bear swim. I will miss braving the freezing water as we put the docks in... and I will miss adjusting and readjusting the levels of the docks as the water level rises and falls dramatically every few hours. I will miss Superman ice cream at the canteen (even though I can't eat ice cream anymore...) Strangely enough, I will miss making hobo dinners with my cabin of girls out on the 120, feeling tough and wilderness-savvy as we survive on our own for a night in the woods. I will miss walking to the 120 and telling kids we're passing Kevin Costner's house. I mean, Tom Cruise's house. I mean, Matt Damon's house. Who's house will it be this summer?

I will miss the variety shows. I will miss watching the canoes paddle in with the torches just after sunset on Thursday nights. I will miss giving swimtests. I will miss raking carefully around Art Loos' sand sculptures on Friday mornings, seeing how many days they can last without being trampled over. I will miss watching 8 teenagers try to paddle their way down a river as I relax and enjoy the ride. I will miss sweeping, mopping, and waxing the lodge every Friday afternoon while listening (and dancing) to Michael Jackson. I love knowing that last summer (my first summer NOT at Village) a returning staff member couldn't sweep and mop the lodge until they found a Michael Jackson cd to listen to. The tradition lives on...

It sounds kind of depressing, doesn't it? Saying that there will always be a void in your heart when something you love makes its exit from your life. But it's true. We grieve our loss, we heal, we move on and we come to love other things, things which take up a new part of our heart. And we are happy.

But sometimes that little empty space aches just enough to remind us that we loved...

California here I come, right back where I started from... (November 22, 2005)

So I'm here, back in the Golden State! On the flight we flew right over Tahoe- it was gorgeous. I could almost here the sounds of the slot machines. No snow yet...I bet some people are getting antsy for those slopes to open! Heavenly here I come...I wish. No skiing for me this time around.

So anyway, here I am, back home! I watched the sunrise this morning. (Yes, sunrise, because even though I'm sleep deprived my body still wakes up at 8am CST, it's lovely...) The sun rays shone through the pine trees in my backyard and even though I wasn't un-comfortable at the time, I was comforted by the familiarity of it all. The world, our lives, my life even, changes so frequently and drastically sometimes, but the sun still rises and shines through backyard pine trees, and I'm home.

I'm home, but I also am increasingly aware of how "home" for me here is in my past, still a place with family, where I'll always be "home," but it's not the only home I have anymore. Driving from Sacramento up to Chico on 99, passing orchard after orchard, rice field after rice field, dilapidated abode after junkyard house...I missed cornfields, green grass, and county roads. It becomes clear to me each time I visit California that while I'll always be a California girl, perhaps I'm a Midwesterner at heart.

But for now the sun is shining down on me, my dog is waiting for me to come and play, and I am home!

Disillusionment (November 14, 2005)

I don't think we pay enough attention to the unavoidable experience of being disillusioned at some point in our lives. It's like it shouldn't bother us - but it does. It bothers us more than we admit. We put people up on a pedestal hoping they have all the answers, that they have control...but they never do, not really. And when we realize that we are disillusioned. We are crushed. We are lost. What happens when what you put your trust in lets you down? You're falling - who's going to catch you?I wrote something about this last month, thought I would share it with you.

"What happens when our leaders fall?" --(c) 2005--

This month a youth pastor in West Bend was arrested for child pornography and enticement. A youth pastor! Most people who hear about this are shocked; sadly, not me. Disgusted beyond words, but not surprised. Unfortunately, I’m all too familiar with stuff like this. Some people aren’t. Adults at Fifth Avenue United Methodist Church are probably wondering what on earth happened to their youth pastor. How could they have made such a gross misjudgment of his character? How could they have put their own kids at such risk?

The youth have questions of their own, up and beyond questions of personal safety. They just found out their youth pastor is a liar and a pornographer. Not only does the situation present these teenagers with a crisis of leadership, there’s a crisis of faith. “He taught us about what it means to be Christian, and we looked up to him. We wanted to have his kind of faith. Is it all a lie?”

Oh, to be human. We all know everyone makes mistakes. We are told constantly, “nobody’s perfect,” but this is head knowledge. In our hearts we are seeking that one perfect role model who will never let us down. As humans, we were made for that—made to desire a leader who embodies everything life should be, who guides us and shows us how we should live. As long as there is someone out there who can make it through life like that, there’s hope for us.

We do this with our parents up until adolescence, and perhaps again after we’re done being angry teenagers. Think back and try to remember the first time you realized that your parents were human—fallible, mortal, and imperfect. What happened when you realized that the people you trusted to get you through life are struggling to make it through their own?

We look to our pastors and spiritual leaders in this way, also. They’re pastors, they’ve got the one-on-one direct line to God, right? They’re almost super-human. Normal people can’t be as holy as they are. Oh, if we could all be as good a Christian as Pastor Bob… We don’t always realize that Pastor Bob has problems and issues of his own, just like we do, and is perhaps no more equipped than we are to handle them.

We’re no strangers to stories of fallen pastors. The sex-scandal in the Catholic church stunned not only Catholics, but most people to their very core. And what about the pastor who left his family to run off with his secretary? Or the pastor who embezzled offering money? Are all their sermons, Sunday School lessons, or caring home visits null and void? Is their ministry fake? Was God in any of it, since they were lying to us the whole time?

Thank goodness truth doesn’t depend on the person who’s telling it. This youth pastor who’s fallen, he spoke the truth when he told the kids about a God who loves them for who they are, who wants us to live lives of service to others and devotion to Him. He spoke the truth when he told them about how God came to earth in Jesus to walk with us and show us how to live, and it was the truth when he said that because Jesus died we can have a relationship with God. It’s the truth that true life is found in Him.

Unfortunately, we’re more likely to do what our role models do instead of what they say, or to lose faith in them completely because we have no tolerance for hypocrisy. It’s hard to distinguish between the person and the message; losing faith in the person often means losing faith in what they stood for. So when our spiritual leaders fall, we have to realize that our faith was not in them, but in the God they talked about. God is real even though people can be fake. God’s love is real even though people have trouble spreading it. That desire we have for the ultimate life role model? It’s Jesus, look no further. But even he was human, so we have to be careful in putting our every hope and desire in him as a person. It’s God revealed in Jesus.

The truth of God’s love and presence in our lives transcends all human words and actions. It’s so much bigger than we are. Nothing any one person says or does to the contrary will ever change the reality that God is real and is so in love with each and every one of us.

When our leaders fall we realize, whether we want to or not, that we are human. Seeing them “real” reminds us that we are real, too. Seeing them fall reminds us that we fall, too. We come face to face with the reality that we are struggling to make sense out of life, and that when we think we have a handle on it, what we were holding onto disappears. When this happens, it’s time we learned to grab onto something that is guaranteed to last.

To the people of Fifth Avenue UMC and to everyone who has been let down I say, “I’m sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Not only does this break my heart, it breaks God's heart too. God is still here.” God is with us in our pain and confusion, and in our struggle to pick up and reassemble the pieces. God is here.