those aren't water chestnuts... (Nov 20, 2006)

Ever put something in your mouth thinking it's yummy food only to realize too late that it is most certainly not? Putting aside all the inappropriate jokes that could follow right about now at my expense (you can say them to yourself), I seem to do this often.

Last night I decided to be brave and try this teriyaki stir-fry that you get in the frozen food section - can't be too terrible, right? I like teriyaki, after all. So I put in in the skillet and see that there are tons of water chestnuts in it. I LOVE water chestnuts!!! Mmm. So I decide to try one of these frozen wonders. I start chewing and notice that the water chestnuts are super-saturated with teriyaki sauce, and it created an awfully weird sensation in my mouth. Not entirely unpleasant, but definitely too much teriyaki. Blech. So I go back to stir the stir-fry and see what look like water chestnuts that haven't been doused with teriyaki sauce. Hmm... If those are water chestnuts, what the crap did I just eat? I suddenly realize that I didn't eat a water chestnut at all - I ate a chunk of frozen teriyaki sauce.

A couple of years ago I was making fudge and using this plastic stiring spoon to stir the melting chocolate, fluff and sugar together. So towards the end of the process, when I can finally lick the spoon, I'm eating all the melted fudge mixture off of it, and some of it has kind of - what's the term - solidified? And I'm thinking it's the sugar, you know? So I'm trying like heck to bite this sugar concoction off of the spoon, and finally do. As I'm trying to chew it, I realize that something isn't quite right. So I look at the spoon and sure enough, I have actually just bitten off the top half of the spoon and am about to swallow it.

So kids, the moral of the story is to always think twice about what you put in your mouth, because as history has shown, if you're me there's a good chance it won't be pleasant. (There, let the jokes resume.)